On August 22nd 2021 I registered for the Grappling Industries Amsterdam. I registered in the category ; Gi Adult / Male / White belt / Senior (+40) / -155 Lbs / -70Kg. There were 2 other participants, so we were 3 in the division. I talked it over with my Sensei, and he said you must start training harder so no rest for you during sparring. The days that I trained went well. I was pushed to my limits, since I never spar all rounds.

All of a sudden something came up at work and I had to reschedule my training days, and because of this I decided to go to competition class on Saturdays. It was my first time that I was taking the competition class in the 3 years (including Covid lock downs) that I have been training. The competition training was the hardest training of BJJ that I have ever experienced. One the training starts there is no breaks.. One may not lean against the wall, no squatting down due to exhaustion. I was complaining during the whole training. My inner bitch was conquering me. I was glad when the training was over because I went through it.

I had 2 more days of training that week and I sparred / rolled almost all rounds, only one of those rounds I rested. My last training was on a Friday and the competition was that next Sunday. I relaxed and did not do much on Saturday. I went to bed early, watched bjj videos on YouTube in bed, because I had to wake up at 6am.

Sunday morning I picked up a teammate K, and drove to a meeting point to pickup our Sensei and another teammate M. (for privacy reasons I named them this way)

It was a 2 hour drive to the venue where the tournament was being held. This is the same venue where I fought in the IBJJF tournament back in 2019. (if you want to read that blog, click HERE ) We left Maastricht very early because K had an early fight. The fight was supposed to start at 10:30, we got there around 9:15. Just in time that he can weigh-in. When we got there the organizers of the tournament informed K that he was disqualified. His division already fought and that he was too late. Their argument was that the participants should have constantly checked the tournaments website for updates. K was pissed and rightfully so. He still had his no-Gi competition.

As for my fight and M’s, we kept checking our phones for updates. the weird thing is that we were at the venue, but we had to use the tournaments website to see what time our fights were. it was crazy! In the mean time we sat in the stands and wait for the hours to go by. I called my wife telling her what has happened with K and what time I was fighting.

30 minutes before my fight I changed and started warming up, that it was time for me to go to Mat 11. When I got there, Sensei told me to be first and to play my game. We stepped on the mats, we had a small talk with the referee, we bowed and greeted each other and the fight started. What I remember was the following; he reaching for my Gi, and the next thing I know is that I was down on one side countering a Kimura, which didn’t work of course. I lost the first fight.

I walked over to my sensei in total disarray and disbelief - This was 2019 all over again. I had to fight immediately after my loss, so back to back. After the first loss I talked to my Sensei, K and M. If you ask me what they said, I don’t know. Now the second fight; This fight went totally different but the out come is the same as the first fight. I managed to come back from a bad position and even having an attempt at a foot lock. I turned into the foot lock, belly down, but he wouldn’t tap. I normally achieve taps on my foot locks in the dojo, but not on tournaments. He escaped the foot lock and managed to mount me grabbing my left arm. A pain shoots through my upper back and I tapped on his back. It was over. Was I in a position to be submitted, no. I walked over to my Sensei and teammates and I started crying. All thoughts and No thoughts went through my mind. Not this again. Not IBJJF 2019 again! They tried to calm me, even the referee tried to encourage me. I realized than and there at the sidelines that I don’t have a mindset for competition. What I mean by this is that it goes way to fast for me. The speed of a BJJ fight is probably 3x as fast as normal sparring in the dojo. I am not used to that speed yet. It is literally; ready, steady, GO! The GO is 5 minutes full throttle! I spoke to my Sensei about it and he says there are ways that you are able to train for it, one of them is consistently go to Completion training on Saturdays and / or weekly trainings but on competition pace. So no rests, and when the he says go it’s GO.

I sat on the stands and I called my wife to tell him what happened and that I lost - again! I hung up and went to cheer M for his Gi and no-Gi fights. There is only one thing I can tell you about M; total domination - he won gold in Gi and No-Gi. Impressive how he did it!

Unfortunately it wasn’t K’s day. He got kneebarred during one of his fight’s and that messed up his knee. I felt bad for him because he together with M are the 2 teammates I roll / train with at the dojo. They are kind and teach me a lot.

The weird thing about this tournament, one would have to go and look for the opponents to go get your medals. I you don’t do that they will not call you to go get it. A few hours after my fight the 2 guys I fought against and I came together to go get the medals.

This medal represents the following things to me:

• I have yet to develop that fighter mentality; focus and determination

• I have yet to learn a lot about myself and what I think is not always the case nor the reality

• I am not there yet and I to keep pushing

• Loss is painful and necessary - it will make or brake your character

• It means more than my IBJJF silver medal, because it is a validation that I still have a long way to go.

• It humbles me and is a constant remiinder of where I am at, at this point in time with my BJJ

It was a long drive back home. I dropped off the Sensei, M and K at the meeting point and I drove home. When I got home I got out of the car and my son. TJ came to greet me. He looked me in the eyes and said; “ Dad, it’s ok that you lost. So don’t worry”. I choked up but didn’t cry. TJ is 7 years old. I took a shower and went to bed with a huge headache. Tomorrow I go back to training, and I am looking forward to do this all over again in the future. By then with a stronger mentality and ability to go the distance. Oss!